Alone But Not Lonely

To continue my thoughts from a snowy Saturday night...

Walking in the snow the other night, I decided (with some healthy encouragement from Frederick via cell phone) that I'd stop in the Hollywood Diner at 16th and 6th and get myself a chocolate milkshake. On the one hand this seemed like an awesome idea (chocolate milkshakes + watching the snow from inside a diner= wonderful). On the other hand, I was a bit hesitant about sitting in a diner alone drinking a milkshake. Eventually sitting inside, thoroughly enjoying my shake, this idea of being alone began to play around in my mind.

The first thing that I realized is that I shouldn't have hesitated at the thought of sitting alone in a diner. My initial reaction was that sitting alone in a diner seemed lonely but in thinking about, I'm not sure why I jumped to "lonely" first. I have always enjoyed doing things alone. Whether it is a trip to a museum, wandering through a foreign city, having a quiet cup of coffee in a cafe, or spending an afternoon reading on a park bench, these kinds of activities are always enjoyable for me. They never make me feel lonely and on the contrary, being on my own and doing something I enjoy is rather freeing. I suppose though that there is ultimately a difference between my typical alone activities and sitting in a diner by myself. Reading is not a group activity, cafes are full of people sitting alone, looking at art (or Bodies!) often ends up being a solitary activity even if you're with someone at an exhibit, and in foreign cities, you're a tourist so being alone at any point in the day doesn't seem unusual. But diners are full of people eating and hanging out together and the abstract concept of sitting in a booth alone, when looked at logically, seems lonely. But it wasn't at all. I had a lovely time. And whatever was initially holding me back, I'm over it.

The other thing that I started thinking about between sips of my chocolate shake was: am I even really alone? I mean, this is New York City, millions of people live here. Even at 11pm in the snow, the streets are still full of cars, people are walking by the window and there are people sitting in the diner. The diner is open 24 hours and I'd bet that there is never an hour that goes by without customers. Also, sitting on the table next to my book and milkshake is my cell phone. Just sitting there it means that really I'm only a few button clicks away from pretty much everyone I care about. So how alone can I really be alone. And honestly, if I've had any overarching feelings about living in New York City, one of them has been that it is almost impossible to be totally alone here. Everywhere you go, at whatever time, there are always other people. And if anything, this has bothered me a bit because I really do need alone time sometimes.

On the flip side of this is the question: aren't we ultimately always alone? This has the potential to be a rather depressing question but one which I felt watching people walking by outside. Millions of people live in this city and I know a tiny tiny tiny fraction of them. And even of those people that I'm really good friends with, when it comes right down to it, I am still separate from them. Physically separate from those who don't live here and separate from everyone ultimately because I'm me and they're them (maybe mind altering substances can eliminate this barrier...I am he as you are he as you are me...coo coo cachoo...?). Each of us has a self that is totally separate from everyone else's self and ultimately it is impossible to really know someone. We are all the product of unique situations and circumstances and words often totally fail in their attempts to communicate ourselves to other people. This is why true empathy is never really possible. You can only know your self and even that is sometimes complicated.

But I don't think that all of this is that bad. Even without the possibility of empathy, sympathy is amazingly powerful. And friendship really does go a long way in eliminating that feeling of total alone-ness. We can talk to each other and be with one another and there is the possibility in the world to not feel lonely even when accepting that we're separate. And really, the idea that we can never totally know someone is a good thing. Life would be so much less interesting if we had everyone already figured out.

So. The chocolate milkshake experience has cemented some things for me which I think I already knew. Even in New York City, and even when there are other people around, I can be alone. And I really do like being by myself sometimes. And finally, I am not lonely. I think that part of the reason that I imagined that sitting alone in a diner would be lonely was because I think that it should be. Logically that makes sense. Just like it makes sense that I'd be lonely living in a city where I know hardly anyone and where I'm far away from a lot of my friends. And because it makes sense to be lonely, being lonely would be comfortable because it would seem normal. Everything says I should be lonely but the truth is, I'm not. Yes I miss my friends, yes I miss my family, yes I wish I had more friends here. But just because I'm alone a lot, doesn't mean I'm lonely.